Showing posts with label joshua mbaga. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joshua mbaga. Show all posts

Please Read all the posts, OK?

Below is a list of the 10 petty
offences .
Beware: The City's deadliest sins
1. Buying from hawkers
2. Sitting on a flower pot in the CBD
3. Spitting on any footpath or blowing
the nose aimlessly other than into a
suitable cloth or tissue
4. Taking or alighting from a matatu
from a non-designated area
5. Crossing the road while you are on
the phone
6. Making any kind of noise on the
streets
7. Playing any game, riding or driving
or propelling on a foot path
8. Graffiti
9. Owner of a burning building should
pay for fire fighting services whether
the owner requested for attendance
or not.
10. Loitering.
11. Having you car with a 'FOR SALE'
sign and haven't paid the council is
also punishable.
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[Fabian Babaclyde Mbatha]

• kwenu nyi ni wengi mpaka last born anaitwa "enough is enough"
• hao yenu ni ya manyasi. wagondi (thugs) wakikuja, wana wika "funga ama tulete ng'ombe!"
• ati naskia uko na bonoko ndogo, hadi ukikojoa unaishika kama ndukulu,na uki mbao unaishika kama fegi.
• ati mlango za gari yenyu huwa zinafungwa na vifungo za shati
... • kwenyu nyinyi ni mababi mpaka dogi yenyu hu-bark na tweng.
• nyanya yenu mzee ni mpaka alinyang`anywa I.D
• mbuyuako ni mrefu mpaka akianza kuvaa trouser ikifika waist ishakwisha fashion.
• kwenyu nyinyi ni wa black mkiingia kwa mat' dirisha zina kuwa tinted.
.• nywele zako ni ngumu before uchanue unameza painkillers.
• wewe ni mkonda mpaka socks zako hufunga na belt zisianguke.
• wewe ni fala hadi ulirepeat sunday school
• ati wewe ni mweusi mpaka shetani akikuona anasema….JESUS!
• ati mbuyu wako ni fala badala ya kukubuy text book ya form two, alikubuyia mbili za form one
• ngozi yako ni tight tu sana hadi ukifunga macho miguu inainuka
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This year
October has 5 Mondays, 5
Saturdays and 5 Sundays. This
Happens once every 823years.
This is called money bags.
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MANCHESTER UNITED FAN IN HEAVEN:

A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.

Hello mate," says St. Peter,"I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven."
What?Exclaims the man, astonished.
You heard, no Man Utd fans.
"But, bt, bt, I've been a gud man," replies the Man Utd supporter.
Oh really, says St. Peter. Wat have yu done, then?
Well, said the guy, Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa.
Oh,says St. Peter. "Anything else?
Well, 2 wks b4 I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless.
Hmmm.Anything else?
Yeah.A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.
Okay,said St. Peter,You wait here a minute while I av a word with the governor.
Ten minutes pass b4 St. Peter returns.He luks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God nd he agrees with me.Here's your thirty pounds back, now screw off.
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GOOD AMBITION....
Teacher ;" What do u want to be when u grow up?"
Little Johnny ; " A doctor ".
Teacher ; " Why ?"
Little Johnny ;" Bcoz thats e only job where u can ask a woman to take off her clothes & make her husbamd pay for it ". 
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UJINGA NI KUKOL DAME KWA PHONE AND SHE GOES LIKE" aki hata nimenini ,uyo jamaa ameni nini mpaka i ninid before i was ninwad by the funny kanini he got in his nini..hahaha aki i wass Soo nini at that time" Add more.. by Joshua Mbaga-Laugh Factory
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Simple Home Remedies By Joshua Mbaga Arap Keige

1) If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and PRONTO!!! The blockage will be instantly removed.

2) Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing veggies, by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away!

3) For those with High Blood Pressure, simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure on your veins.

4) Finding it hard 2 get up in the mornings? Just place a mousetrap on your alarm's snooze button! No more rolling over and falling asleep again.

5) If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you wil be afraid to cough!

6) For toothaches, get a hammer and hit your thumb as hard as you can! You wil forget about that toothache in a jiffy!

HOPE MY TIPS WILL HELP IN THE NOT SO DISTANT FUTURE! ;)
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Most irritating moment: Morning alarms :@

Most difficult task: to find sOcks :P

Most dreadful jOurny: way tO class :(
...
mOst lOvely tym: meeting friends :D

mOst tragic news: test in 1st periOd :'(

most wOnderful newz: teacher is absent ;)

most relaxing area: BACK BENCHeS :D:P

most funny mOment: when teacher cracks a jOke and nObody laughs..:P
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EXAM LEAKAGE.....Msiamshane:

What is more useful after it is broken?
.
.
An egg :D

Which is the most shocking city?
.
.
Electri-city :D

Name two thingz you can never eat before Breakfast?
.
.
Lunch & Dinner :)

How many men are born in Europe?
.
.
None, only babies were born :D

If ur clock strikes 33 pm, what times it is?
.
.
Time to buy a new clock ;)
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Better sex Are you interested in having better sex with her?

Proceed with caution
Do not criticize your wife. This will have a negative effect. You must be very gentle with your wife. Remember, it's not what you say but how you say it. Be honest about how you feel. Let your wife know that you would like to try new things in the bedroom such as a new position. Make suggestions. Just remember to be very gentle with your approach and avoid making your wife feel inadequate.
Don't be pushy
Once you have spoke with your wife about how you feel don't keep bringing it back up. Say how you feel, make a few suggestions and then give her some time. Your wife will need time because her feelings may be a little hurt by the fact that she is not pleasing you in the bedroom. She will need a little time to herself before she will feel comfortable trying out some of the suggestions you have made.
Be a good listener
Most men automatically think their wives are no longer attached to them sexually. Although this can sometimes be the case, often times it is not. A woman's body goes through an unbelievable amount of changes. Some women as they get older become fearful of showing off their bodies. Your wife may also be going through menopause or have a medical condition that is affecting her sex drive. It is important to talk to your wife but more important to listen.

Give her a gift
If you are still unsure of how to approach the topic of sex with your wife you might consider giving her a gift that lets her know where you are coming from. For instance you could give her a book with different sexual positions or a new sexy outfit. Besides being a nice gesture giving a gift is also a great way to spark up a conversation. This could make it a little bit easier for you to talk to your wife about your sexual wants and needs. In short, don't avoid talking to your wife about sex. Just remember to be gentle and above all be a good listener.
.........by a FAN (NAME WITHELD)

10 Things You Didn't Know About Kissing Ladies get your Pen and Pad out. .and Get ready to take Notes.

Here are the "10 Things You Didn't Know About Kissing". .



1. There are tons of nerve endings. .in your lips (100 times more than in your fingertips!) that stimulate desire. That's why smooching before, during, and after sex can be extremely arousing and satisfying.



2. Forty Percent of men say that. .a really long, steamy kiss will get them immediately ready for sex. 


3. Pay attention to those "See Ya Later" pecks. If your guy routinely only gives you a quick kiss on the cheek when saying good-bye, it could be that he's guarded and doesn't emote easily. If this is a more recent development, it's a warning sign; he may be feeling ambivalent about the relationship.


4. Instantly turn up the kissing intimacy by. .closing the "A-frame": a smooching stance in which you and your guy are in the middle of a smooch but your hips are a mile apart. By pressing your hips together, the degree of desire quickly rises.


5. The Best way to kiss a guy's ear? Kiss and suck on his earlobe for a moment and then trace the outline of his ear with the tip of your tongue. (Bonus points if you whisper something naughty to him.)


6. Men initiate "Open-Mouth Kissing" to transfer libido-boosting testosterone to their partner. So when he's getting a little more aggressive, it's not just about his desire — he wants you to be a bit more amorous too.


7. Men are more than twice as likely. .to have sex with a bad kisser than are women.


8. When coy kisses Aren't Going To Cut It. .here's why you should let loose: Passionate kisses elevate your blood pressure and cause your heart to beat faster, getting you more excited, and making it easier for you to reach orgasm.


9. Fifty-Four Percent of women. .between the ages of 18 and 24 say they've kissed another girl. That number drops to 43 percent for those between 25 and 34.


10. During the middle ages people signed legal contracts. .by making an "X" on the document and then kissing it to pledge their honor. That's how XX became shorthand for a smooch.

Lessons From Suffering

More than a hundred years ago, a lonely, poor boy from Germany came to the United States. His first job was for four dollars a week as a helper in a tiny store in Ohio. Since the owner allowed him to sleep at night in a big packing case in the store without paying any rent, he was able to save one dollar a week.
His next job at a bank paid him eight dollars a week. Here he slept in a loft over the bank office and continued to save all he could.
One day he saw some musical instruments for sale that reminded him how he and his friend back in Germany used to make such instruments. So he sent his life's savings of $700 to his friends in Germany and had them ship a supply of their instruments. The first shipment sold very quickly. He sent for more and was on his way to becoming a successful businessman.
The business this boy started eventually manufactured such musical instruments as pianos, organs, music boxes, and player pianos. It became a multimillion dollar business. The boy's name? Rudolph Wurlitzer.
Chances are, had this boy not started out lonely and penniless, he wouldn't have achieved what he did. His difficult circumstances generated the motivation that made him successful.
Life's like that. Difficult times, economic hardships, business setbacks, sicknesses, sorrows, heartbreaks, and crises come to all of us at some time. When they do, we often feel like we've struck out and failed. However, the only real failure in life is not to get up one more time than we've been knocked down.

The Chinese have two characters
for the word 'crisis'. One means
danger; the other, opportunity.
The Chinese have two characters for the word "crisis". One means danger; the other, opportunity. How right they are! In every crisis there is a danger of being defeated or the opportunity for growth.
The question is: How can we turn crises and suffering into opportunities?
First, we need to realize that we have a choice. Our difficulties can make us bitter or better. They can become a stumbling block or a stepping stone. They can make us resentful or we can see in them an opportunity to be creative. The choice, however, is ours.
In ancient times people used an instrument called a tribulum. It was used to beat grain in order to divide the chaff from the wheat. It's the word from which we get our word "tribulation." In the development of human character it's tribulation that divides "the chaff from the wheat."
In the Bible it says, "We also rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."1
Second, we need to accept and master our problems—not run from them.
Most of us remember the story of Daniel being thrown into the lions' den because of his religious convictions. Imagine what might have happened had Daniel denied his problem, or if he had rebelled—and justifiably so—against being thrown into the den and then struggled desperately to get out. The lions probably would have torn him to shreds in short order.
Daniel didn't even try to defend himself—against the authorities or the lions. As terrifying as it was, Daniel accepted his situation. I can imagine him thinking, "I'm in this predicament. I can't escape. How can I make the best of it?"
Undoubtedly, it was the acceptance of his situation as well as his faith in God that saved him. Note, though, his faith didn't save him from the lion's den. It saved him in it! That's the stuff of growth and maturity.

It is human nature to want to escape or run from suffering, but doing this doesn't help us grow and sometimes we learn too late that what we escaped to is worse than what we escaped from. Unfortunately, we rarely change or grow unless we are hurting sufficiently. This is why James wrote in the Bible, "Consider it pure joy, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."2
Third. We need to face the causes. If there is one thing in life that I have learned, it is this: the problem is never the problem!
That is, what we blame our problem on is rarely the true cause. Often that's the symptom. For instance, my criticism of someone else may be caused more by my jealousy than by what that person did. My hurt feelings or anger at another person may be a reflection of my insecurity or unresolved hostility. I may unconsciously be looking for a peg to hand my anger on; that is, an excuse to blame somebody else for my unresolved problem.
Only as we become truly honest with ourselves and face the actual causes of our difficulties can we begin to resolve them. Jesus Christ expressed a universal principle when he said, "You will know the truth and the truth will set you free."3

The pain passes, but the
beauty remains—forever.
Fourth. To turn our crises into opportunities, we need to ask the question, "What might God be trying to say to me through my adverse circumstances?"
Remember, because he was in prison John Bunyan wrote his literary masterpiece, Pilgrim's Progress, and through rising above her severe handicaps Helen Keller became a great inspiration to millions.
And so it is with each of us. No matter what happens to us, God wants to use our suffering to strengthen us, to mature us, and to make us better persons.
If you are going through a time of sickness, sorrow, depression, financial setback, a broken relationship, or feel you have failed in some way, can you accept that God wants to use your suffering to help you grow and become closer to him? Can you ask him to help you see what you might be contributing to your situation, for the courage to do your part in resolving it, and through it help you to grow?
After a long winter, spring eventually comes and with it new leaves appear on the trees in all their refreshing beauty. In the summer they thrive. In the fall they die. But in dying their beauty is greater than in the spring. But the tree doesn't die. The falling leaves just make further growth possible. And that's the cycle of life-struggle, pain, beauty, growth.
Apparently, in his later years, Renoir, the famous French painter, suffered badly from arthritis. On one occasion his close friend, Matisse, questioned him, "My friend, why do you keep on painting when you are in so much pain?" To which Renoir thoughtfully replied, "The pain passes, but the beauty remains!"
For all who trust their life to God and ask him to use their struggles to help them grow, their pain, too, will pass, but their beauty will remain—forever. "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."4
Be sure to invest your pain. Don't waste it. Invest it wisely in your own growth and in the growth of others.

latest crazy posts on facebook..soma ucheke

A nigerian mum says after receiving news that her teen daughter is pregnant, "chineeeke, my daughter u have killed me oooo, i told u if a man touches ur breast say 'DON'T' and if he touches ur pussy say 'STOP'... u dint listen to me u stupid gal" the gal replied "but mama i did... he was touching both places at the same time so i said 'DON'T STOP'!
Admin Niaje??naona unafikiria kuoga leo pia na jana ulioga tena.ushawahi fanya hesabu ya hio process.??hebu fikirha-kumaliza sabuni,kujiona uchi,kuchafua towel,kuzeesha nguo za ndani.na bado uko kwa mtandao wa kuambukizwa homa!fikiria achana na mpango wa kuoga.epuka homa.gudday
An arab ws asked to give a speech to deaf n dumb pple. He gets up on stage squizd his breast touchd his dick and started mastabating. Organizers pulled him off stage and asked him what the hell he ws doing. He said "i just wanted to start by saying Ladies n Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure...
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S.of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.
 A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
We R celebrating Special Education week n Autism Awareness Month, and this is in honor of all children made in a unique way-Autism is a developmental disorder that appears in the first 3 years of life, and affects the brain's normal development of social and communication skillsPLIZ repost this and honor Kenyan children who are made in a unique way.
The meaning of crazy is not talking to yourself...or even answering yourself ..it's asking yourself to repeat what you just said because u didn't pay attention...
DREAMS OF WIFE, HUSBAND

A wife woke up from her night's sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband.
"I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks in this place,"she began, "the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20."

..."How about the ones like mine?" asked her husband.
"Those they gave away," she replied tongue in cheek.

"I had a dream too," started the husband. "I dreamt they were auctioning off fannies. The pretty ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!"

"And how much for the ones like mine?" enquired the wife to her husband.
"That's where they held the auction," he replied

about dating...i pray to love the woman i date

Some pray to date the woman they love, my prayer will somewhat vary:
I humbly pray to heaven above that I love the woman I date.
As we see each others often, As we continue to know each other,
There iz one thing that will never change,
I will always keep falling in love with u.

Women are like apples on
trees. The best ones are at the top
of the
tree. The men don't want to reach
for the good ones because they
are
afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten
apples from the ground that
aren't as good, but easy. So the
apples at
the top think something is wrong
with them, when in reality, they're
amazing. They just have to wait
for the right man to come along,
the
one who's brave enough to climb
all the way to the top.

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