Mathare University of insane creativity posts offline

Boy-Isn't Our Principal at MUIC An Idiot?

Girl-Do U Know Who I m?

Boy-No.. ...

Girl-I m His Daughter..

Boy-Do U Know Me?

Girl-No.!

Boy-Thank God..!..:P.............HEHEHHEH Good Night/Morning all....
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If Paper is very
Tough in Exam,
just close ur eyes, take a Deep
Breathe & say Loudly
"Dis Subject is very Interesting, I want
2 Study it 1 more Time" ;) :D
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ABBREVIATIONS Which Are Not Known To Many Of Us:

COLD : Chronic Obstructive Lung Disease.
JOKE : Joy Of Kids Entertainment.
AIM : Ambition In Mind.
DATE : Day And Time Evolution.
EAT : Energy And Taste.
TEA : Taste And Energy Admitted.
PEN : Power Enriched In Nib.).
SMILE : Sweet Memories In Lip Expression.
BYE : Beside You Everytime... =)
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Phone call chart between patient DAN and psychatrist DOC.

DAN; Daktari i av a headache every morning i wake up.
DOC; Thats stress,do u know this classic FM morning show "kasheshe".
DAN ; Yes.
DOC ; Theres a commedian 'Kingangi" if u listen to him ua sickness wil go away.
.
.
.
DAN; But doc am kingangi himself aka Churchill Dan Ndambuki.
DOC ; Dead mute.
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A guy writes a letter to his girl friend singing one of the best love songs which say”babybabybaby baby I love weeeeeeeeeeee................................. to which a girl replays ok you gave me love I put it in my shop that has never been to operational since it was built and now my shop is set on fire I want a fire brigade,,,, oh my God who can f**k me now?
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Last Thursday was my Birthday,
My wife & kids didn't wish me,
I went to work,my friends didn't wish me.
I entered my cabin, my P.A said happy birthday boss.
I felt special. she asked me for lunch,
After lunch she invited me to her apartment.
There she said 'Do u mind if i go to my bedroom for a minute'?
'Okay Fine' I said nervously.
She came out few minutes later wit a large cake followed by my wife, kids, friends and i was sitting there
.
.
.
.
.
.
NAKED. :-(
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Teacher: which is the best month of study?

Student: Octembruary

Teacher: dont be silly there is o such a month . . . . .

Student: exactly:D:D
Teacher: which is the best month of study?

Student: Octembruary

Teacher: dont be silly there is NO SUCH A A MONTH . . . . .

Student: exactly:D:D
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Teacher: which is the best month of study?

Student: Octembruary

Teacher: dont be silly there is o such a month . . . . .

Student: exactly:D:D
Teacher: which is the best month of study?

Student: Octembruary

Teacher: dont be silly there is NO SUCH A A MONTH . . . . .

Student: exactly:D:D
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APLICATION FOR EMPLOYEMENT

Dear Sir
l refer to the recent death of the Technical manager @ ur company and wish to apply as a replacement to the dead manager,each time i apply for employment i am told ther is no vacancy but on this one i have caught u red handed cos i even attended the funeral and all burial proceedings and make sure that he was truly dead and buried before applying.
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• kwenu nyi ni wengi mpaka last born anaitwa "enough is enough"
• hao yenu ni ya manyasi. wagondi (thugs) wakikuja, wana wika "funga ama tulete ng'ombe!"
• ati naskia uko na bonoko ndogo, hadi ukikojoa unaishika kama ndukulu,na uki mbao unaishika kama fegi.
• ati mlango za gari yenyu huwa zinafungwa na vifungo za shati
• kwenyu nyinyi ni mababi mpaka dogi yenyu hu-bark na tweng.
• nyanya yenu mzee ni mpaka alinyang`anywa I.D
• mbuyuako ni mrefu mpaka akianza kuvaa trouser ikifika waist ishakwisha fashion.
• kwenyu nyinyi ni wa black mkiingia kwa mat' dirisha zina kuwa tinted.
.• nywele zako ni ngumu before uchanue unameza painkillers.
• wewe ni mkonda mpaka socks zako hufunga na belt zisianguke.
• wewe ni fala hadi ulirepeat sunday school
• ati wewe ni mweusi mpaka shetani akikuona anasema….JESUS!
• ati mbuyu wako ni fala badala ya kukubuy text book ya form two, alikubuyia mbili za form one
• ngozi yako ni tight tu sana hadi ukifunga macho miguu inainuka
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3 guyz r avn a drink in a bar,den a conversation abt coincidence ensues...da 1st guy says'wen my yf woz pregnant,she read da novel "da 2 cities" n gev birth 2 twins,de 2nd guy says his yf read "de 3 muskateers" n gev birth 2 triplets...den da 3rd guy started runnin' headin' hme,wen asked y he said 'my yf z pregnant n i left ha readin' ALIBABA N DA 40 THIEVES...bwahaha#DEAD#
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A man who makes caskets was on his way to deliver one of the coffins when his car broke down. Trying not to be late, he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

Some policemen saw him and wanted to make some money off him (bribe), so they challenged him: "Hey!!! What are you carrying and where are you going?!"

The man said, "I do not like where I was buried, so I am re...locating".

The Policemen ran for their lives. 
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during a muic test th teacher came into class and drew a door on th blackboard he then asked th students to get out,all the muic students in th class ran to th board and squeezed to get out however mutua remained seated.the teacher approached him happy dat at least one of his students waz learning.Teacher:why arent you going out? Mutua:i want em to struggle first before i give them the keys to that door.
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Dear lecturer
If i study more, i knw more!
If i know more, i forget more!
If i forget more, i know less!!
WHY STUDY?
Sincerely MUIC adm no 1584
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Jamaican Man was making love to his woman for da 1st time ~he suddenly screamed & ran out Of da room.. came back wit a glass of water n pour it in da woman's private part ..Frightened, da woman shouted "Wot da Hell Ya Do Dat Faw?" ...da man answered, 'Damn'it woman .dis ting too sweet man ~me gwan dilute it, rememba me diabetic'
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Teacher: Why did yu laugh?
Boy: I saw 1 strip of ur bra.
Teacher: Get out of the class for one week.
2nd boy laughed.
Teacher: Why did yu laugh?
Boy: I saw both strips.
Teacher: Get out for 1 month.
She bent down 2 take chalk. Little CMM
started walking out.
Teacher: CMM , why r yu going out.?
Cmm: What I just saw, I think my school days are over.
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Teacher: Tell me an example of a creature which can live on water as well as the land?
Student: Frog.
Teacher: Another example?
Student: Another Frog!

Teacher: Where is ur native place?
Student: Maharashramizaksiomanikhanir.
Teacher: Can u spell it?
Student: Actualy my native place is Fiji.

Teacher: Give me an example of Coincidence.
Student: My mom & dad got married on the same date!

LMAO :-D
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Once my gal friend
invited mi to her home. Wen i got
thea i found her siz alone @
home,once i sat down she
whispered to ma ears " u know u
r handsome n av bin admirin u 4
so long,can we av sex b4 she
comes?" I stood up n headed 4
the front door wea i hard parked
my car n to my suprise i found
ma chik ryt outside n she hugged
mi sayn " u av won my trust
swirie lets go back" moral of thiz
story "always liv yo condoms in
yo cars".
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Three students decided to escape from Mathare.The 1st one said,'If the fence is tall we shall dig a hole n pass under it',the 2nd one said,'If the fence is short we shall jump over it'.The 3rd one thot 4 a moment n said,'Guys i cant see any fence there lets go back'.so bak they went.
EVD PTT 4012 CONFIDENTIAL(coz they might be reading) 
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TOP TWEETS ON TWITTER follow me @mathaeuni
1 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

... 3 I want to die peacefully in m...y sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

4 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

5 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

6 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

7 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

8 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

9 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

10 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
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Please Read all the posts, OK?

Below is a list of the 10 petty
offences .
Beware: The City's deadliest sins
1. Buying from hawkers
2. Sitting on a flower pot in the CBD
3. Spitting on any footpath or blowing
the nose aimlessly other than into a
suitable cloth or tissue
4. Taking or alighting from a matatu
from a non-designated area
5. Crossing the road while you are on
the phone
6. Making any kind of noise on the
streets
7. Playing any game, riding or driving
or propelling on a foot path
8. Graffiti
9. Owner of a burning building should
pay for fire fighting services whether
the owner requested for attendance
or not.
10. Loitering.
11. Having you car with a 'FOR SALE'
sign and haven't paid the council is
also punishable.
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[Fabian Babaclyde Mbatha]

• kwenu nyi ni wengi mpaka last born anaitwa "enough is enough"
• hao yenu ni ya manyasi. wagondi (thugs) wakikuja, wana wika "funga ama tulete ng'ombe!"
• ati naskia uko na bonoko ndogo, hadi ukikojoa unaishika kama ndukulu,na uki mbao unaishika kama fegi.
• ati mlango za gari yenyu huwa zinafungwa na vifungo za shati
... • kwenyu nyinyi ni mababi mpaka dogi yenyu hu-bark na tweng.
• nyanya yenu mzee ni mpaka alinyang`anywa I.D
• mbuyuako ni mrefu mpaka akianza kuvaa trouser ikifika waist ishakwisha fashion.
• kwenyu nyinyi ni wa black mkiingia kwa mat' dirisha zina kuwa tinted.
.• nywele zako ni ngumu before uchanue unameza painkillers.
• wewe ni mkonda mpaka socks zako hufunga na belt zisianguke.
• wewe ni fala hadi ulirepeat sunday school
• ati wewe ni mweusi mpaka shetani akikuona anasema….JESUS!
• ati mbuyu wako ni fala badala ya kukubuy text book ya form two, alikubuyia mbili za form one
• ngozi yako ni tight tu sana hadi ukifunga macho miguu inainuka
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This year
October has 5 Mondays, 5
Saturdays and 5 Sundays. This
Happens once every 823years.
This is called money bags.
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MANCHESTER UNITED FAN IN HEAVEN:

A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.

Hello mate," says St. Peter,"I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven."
What?Exclaims the man, astonished.
You heard, no Man Utd fans.
"But, bt, bt, I've been a gud man," replies the Man Utd supporter.
Oh really, says St. Peter. Wat have yu done, then?
Well, said the guy, Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa.
Oh,says St. Peter. "Anything else?
Well, 2 wks b4 I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless.
Hmmm.Anything else?
Yeah.A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.
Okay,said St. Peter,You wait here a minute while I av a word with the governor.
Ten minutes pass b4 St. Peter returns.He luks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God nd he agrees with me.Here's your thirty pounds back, now screw off.
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GOOD AMBITION....
Teacher ;" What do u want to be when u grow up?"
Little Johnny ; " A doctor ".
Teacher ; " Why ?"
Little Johnny ;" Bcoz thats e only job where u can ask a woman to take off her clothes & make her husbamd pay for it ". 
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UJINGA NI KUKOL DAME KWA PHONE AND SHE GOES LIKE" aki hata nimenini ,uyo jamaa ameni nini mpaka i ninid before i was ninwad by the funny kanini he got in his nini..hahaha aki i wass Soo nini at that time" Add more.. by Joshua Mbaga-Laugh Factory
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Simple Home Remedies By Joshua Mbaga Arap Keige

1) If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and PRONTO!!! The blockage will be instantly removed.

2) Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing veggies, by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away!

3) For those with High Blood Pressure, simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure on your veins.

4) Finding it hard 2 get up in the mornings? Just place a mousetrap on your alarm's snooze button! No more rolling over and falling asleep again.

5) If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you wil be afraid to cough!

6) For toothaches, get a hammer and hit your thumb as hard as you can! You wil forget about that toothache in a jiffy!

HOPE MY TIPS WILL HELP IN THE NOT SO DISTANT FUTURE! ;)
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Most irritating moment: Morning alarms :@

Most difficult task: to find sOcks :P

Most dreadful jOurny: way tO class :(
...
mOst lOvely tym: meeting friends :D

mOst tragic news: test in 1st periOd :'(

most wOnderful newz: teacher is absent ;)

most relaxing area: BACK BENCHeS :D:P

most funny mOment: when teacher cracks a jOke and nObody laughs..:P
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EXAM LEAKAGE.....Msiamshane:

What is more useful after it is broken?
.
.
An egg :D

Which is the most shocking city?
.
.
Electri-city :D

Name two thingz you can never eat before Breakfast?
.
.
Lunch & Dinner :)

How many men are born in Europe?
.
.
None, only babies were born :D

If ur clock strikes 33 pm, what times it is?
.
.
Time to buy a new clock ;)
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BEST THINGS ARE FELT IN THE HEART

A married lady was expecting a birthday gift from her husband.

For many months she had admired a beautiful diamond ring in a showroom,

and knowing her husband could afford it, she told him that was all she
wanted.
As her birthday approached, this lady awaited signs that her husband had purchased the diamond ring.
Finally, on the morning of her birthday, her husband called her into his study.
Her husband told her how proud he was to have such a good wife, and told her how much he loved her.
He handed her a beautiful wrapped gift box. Curious, the wife opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible,
with the wife's name embossed in gold.
Angrily, she raised her voice to her husband and said, 'With all your
money you give me a Bible?' And stormed out of the house, leaving her
husband.

Many years passed and the lady was very successful in business. She

managed to settle for a more beautiful house and a wonderful family,
but realized her ex-husband was very old, and thought perhaps she
should go to visit him. She had not seen him for many years.
But before she could make arrangements, she received a telegram
telling her that her ex-husband had passed away, and willed
all of his possessions to her. She needed to come back immediately
and take care of things.
When she arrived at her ex-husband's house, sudden sadness and
regret filled her heart. She began to search through her ex-husband's
important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as she had left it
years before.
With tears, she opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. Her

ex-husband had carefully underlined a verse, Matt 7:11,
'And if you, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children,
how much more shall your Heavenly Father, who is in heaven,
give what is good to those who ask Him?'
As she read those words, a tiny package dropped from the back of
the Bible. It had a diamond ring, with her name engraved on it --
the same diamond ring which she saw at the showroom.
On the tag was the date of her birth, and the words.'LUV U ALWAYS'. How many times do we miss God's blessings, because they are notpackaged as we expected?


IF YOUR GIFT IS NOT PACKAGED THE WAY YOU WANT IT,
IT'S BECAUSE IT IS BETTER PACKAGED THE WAY IT IS.
ALWAYS APPRECIATE LITTLE THINGS;
THEY USUALLY LEAD YOU TO BIGGER & BETTER THINGS.
'The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.
They must be felt with the heart.'

Posted by Sherrysha Monique Omashe on facebook

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