Computer Viruses / Virus Guide

A computer virus is probably the best known and most dangerous threat to computer security. Just like an organic virus, a computer virus attaches itself to healthy computer programs (body cells). With over 1000 different types of viruses, there is a variety of different parts of the computer they can attack eg, boot sector. The most common symptoms that indicate your computer has been infected,

  • files and data is deleted
  • the computer takes longer to load programs/applications
  • items and images on your screen are distorted and unusual images and text appears
  • unusual noises come from your keyboard, hard disk
  • hard disk operates excessively or is inaccessible
  • disk space and filenames change for no reason
  • system tools such as Scandisk return incorrect values

Below is a list of the most common types of viruses,
  • Polymorphic Viruses
    • A polymorphic virus is an encrypted virus that hides itself from anti-virus through encrypted (scrambled) data and then decrypts itself to beable to spread through the computer. The thing that makes it hard for anti-virus software to detect polymorphic viruses is that the virus generates an entirely new decryption routine each time it infects a new executable file, making the virus signature different in each signature.
  • Stealth Viruses
    • A Stealth virus hides the modifications made to files and boot records by modifying and forging the results of calls to functions, therefore programs believe they are reading the original file and not the modified file. A good anti-virus software will probably detect a stealth virus due to the fact that a stealth virus attempts to hide itself in memory when a anti-virus software is launched.
  • Slow Viruses
    • A Slow virus is a difficult virus to detect due to the fact it only modifies and infects files when they have been modified or copied. Therefore the original file will not be infected by the actual copied file. A good way to protect yourself against slow viruses is by using an integrity checker or shell.
  • Retro Viruses
    • A Retro virus attacks the anti-virus software designed to delete it. The retro virus usually attempts to attack the anti-virus data files such as the virus signature store which disables the ability of the anti-virus software to detect and delete viruses. Otherwise the retro virus attempts to alter the operation of the anti-virus software.
  • Multipartite Viruses
    • A Multipartite virus attempts to attack and infect both the boot sector and executable files at the same time.
  • Armored Viruses
    • A Armored virus attempts to protect itself from anti-virus software by trying to make anti-virus software believe it is located somewhere else. Therefore the Armored virus has made itself more difficult to trace, disassemble and understand.
  • Companion Viruses
    • A Companion virus creates a companion file for each executable file the virus infects. Therefore a companion virus may save itself as scandisk.com and everytime a user executes scandisk.exe, the computer will load scandisk.com and therefore infect the system.
  • Phage Viruses
    • A Phage virus is a very destructive virus that re-writes a executable program with it's own code, rather than just attaching itself to a file. Therefore a Phage virus will usually attempt to delete or destroy every program it infects.
  • Revisiting Viruses
    • A Revisiting virus is a worm virus and attempts to copy itself within the computers memory and then copy itself to another linked computer using TCP/IP protocols. The Morris Worm virus in the late 1980's was the first major virus threat to hit the Internet.


The best way to protect yourself against viruses is to buy a good anti-virus software package such as Norton or McAfee and keep installing the latest updates. These packages may not always protect you against the latest virus, but offer the best solution possible. You should always try the following
  • Install anti-virus software.
  • Keep your anti-virus software up-to-date.
  • Install a personal firewall
  • Use Windows / Apple / Linux updates to patch security holes.
  • Don't open email messages that look suspicious
  • Don't click on email attachments you were not expecting

Viruses on the Mac
All the above topics are mainly concerned with Viruses, worms and Trojan Horses on windows PC's. It is a much bigger problem for the PC than for the Mac. In 2004 of all the thousands of viruses identified by McAfee only a small handful target the Mac. There has however been famous mac viruses and worms such as INIT-29-B and Hypercard HC-9507 virus. Some of the most famous worms are listed below,
  • AutoStart - originated in Asia in 1998
    • Like many recently dangerous viruses and worms this originated in Asia in 1998. It first appeared in Hong Kong and then spread across the world. Autostart used QuickTime's AutoStart and infected any PowerPC systems running the MacOS or later. It also usually required QuickTime 2.0 or above. The damage it created was by adding invisible files to every disk partition and also overwriting some data files with random data. In the fallout it caused John Norstad to retire Disinfectant, a shareware program which was a popular alternative to commercial antivirus packages.

11 Most Common Computer Viruses

No matter how careful you might be, chances are, at one time or another, you will find your computer infected with a virus. If you are a frequent Internet user and you often download videos, music and other files from online, the chances of you picking up a trojan, worm, or other virus are almost assured. Thankfully, there are many great virus protection programs on the market today that can instantly vanquish even the toughest viruses, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have an idea of some of the common computer viruses that are currently going around.

1. Encrypted Viruses – The encrypted virus is probably the most difficult kind of bug to detect and the most difficult to stop. You may accidentally have downloaded one of these bugs and before you know it, your entire computer can be infected. Many top virus protection programs miss encrypted viruses because these bugs use a different form of encryption every time. When the bug wants to run wild, it decrypts itself. In most cases, your virus protection can then identify it and stop it.

2. Secret Viruses – These types of viruses will make changes to files on your computer, or completely replace files, but then try to trick your computer and your anti virus program into thinking that the originals are being used. Most advanced virus protection programs can stop these common computer viruses dead in their tracks.

3. Time Delay Viruses – These types of viruses take a much slower, more disciplined path towards ruining your computer. Instead of instantly trying to take over your computer the moment you download them, they will wait and slowly infect files bit by bit. You may not have been online for days but then suddenly find yourself with an infection. These common computer viruses are the reason why you should run your virus protection every few days, just in case.

4. The Anti-Virus Virus – Believe it or not, there are viruses out there that do nothing more than attack your pre-installed anti virus program in hopes of disabling it so other viruses can then be downloaded. This is why many people have a virus protection program as well as a separate anti-spyware or anti-malware program on their computer.

5. The Multi-Headed Virus – This is one of the most nefarious bugs on the whole Internet. Not only are there parts of this virus that will attach themselves to .exe files on your computer, but it will also affect your computer’s start up so that you begin running the virus every time you turn your computer on automatically.

6. The Misdirection Virus – This type of virus is downright scary. It has a built in subprogram that is made to give false readings to your virus protection software. You think you have a bug in one directory, when, in fact, the virus is busy harming your computer in a whole other area.

7. A Cloning Virus – The cloning virus is an old fashioned type of bug. When you download it, it will quickly create duplicates for .exe files you have on your computer, hoping that you’ll click on it when you really mean to click on a healthy program you already have.

8. The Author Virus – When you download a virus, it usually attaches itself to a program and then runs when you run that program. The Author Virus, on the other hand, finds an .exe file and actually deletes and rewrites code so that the program is changed. Few common computer viruses run this way since the level of virus needs to be so sophisticated.

9. The Bad Penny Virus – The very first computer virus to ever hit the Internet was a Bad Penny virus. This is a bug that automatically passes itself on to everyone on a network or on the Internet unless something stops it. This was the whole reason why firewalls were invented.

10. When most of us think of viruses, we think of PC’s running Windows software. However, there are a handful of bugs out there for the Mac.

11. Rewriting Virus – This bug made a habit out of rewriting some of your most needed files, as well as filling up your hard drive with all sorts of invisible files you couldn’t normally see.

12. The Melissa Virus – This was a bug that hit everyone, both PC users and Mac users. It would automatically email itself to other people without permission. It can be extra harmful if you use a private mail server at your place of employment. The Melissa virus has gone down in history as one of the most common computer viruses of all time.

Love you more by JLS lyrics (Jack the Lad Swing)


First day that I saw you thought you were beautiful
But I couldn’t talk to you, I watched you walk away
And it felt like I spent all of that second day trying to figure out what it was that I should have said
Third day saw you again, introduced my friend, said all the words I wanted to
On day four and five and six I don’t know what you did, but all I could think about was you

Thought I couldn’t want you, more than I did before
But everyday I love you a little bit more
Find myself asking what are you waiting for
Cos everyday I love you a little bit more

Days they turn into weeks, that’s how good this has been
Still I can’t believe the way this first year has flown
Still you catch me by surprise, when I look in your eyes
When you turn and say that you love me

Thought I couldn’t want you, more than I did before
But everyday I love you a little bit more (and more)
Find myself asking what are you waiting for (what you waiting for)
Cos everyday I love you a little bit more

(And more)
Love you more
(And more)
I Love you more
(And more)
I Love you more
Hey hey hey hey

Day one I first laid my eyes on you,
Day two I can’t help but think of you
Day three was the same as day two
Day four I fell in love with you
Day five you spent it with me
Sixth day knocked me off my feet
Day seven that’s when I knew spend the rest of my life with you

Thought I couldn’t want you, more than I did before
But everyday I love you a little bit more
Find myself asking (find myself) what are you waiting for (what are you waiting for)
Cos everyday I love you a little bit more

Everyday , knowing I’m going to see your face
And that’s enough for me (that’s enough for me)
I want you more and more and more everyday

(And more)
I wanna spend my life with you
(And more)
Everyday learn something new
(And more)
I love you more and more and more everyday

(And more)
Love you more
(And more)
I love you more
(And more)
Love you more
JLS at a glance
JLS (an initialism of Jack the Lad Swing) are a British Boy Band, consisting of members Aston Merrygold, Marvin Humes, Oritsé Williams and JB Gill. They originally signed to Tracklacers production company New Track City and then went on to become runners-up of the fifth series of ITV reality talent show The X Factor in 2008, coming second to Alexandra Burke. Their fans are known as 'JLSters'
Following their appearances on The X Factor, JLS signed to Epic Records.[1] and enjoyed continued chart success throughout 2009. Their first two singles "Beat Again" and "Everybody in Love" both went to number one on the UK Singles Chart.[2][3] The band's self-titled debut album was released on 9 November 2009,[4] and has since sold over one million copies in the UK. JLS won the awards for British Breakthrough and British Single ("Beat Again") at the 2010 BRIT Awards.They also won several awards at the Mobo awards for Best song for "beat again" in 2009 and also Best New Comer in the same year. In 2010 they won the Mobo's for Best UK act and Best Album.[5]
In 2010, JLS signed an American record deal with Jive Records, and released "Everybody in Love" as their debut US single.[6] "The Club Is Alive", the lead single from their second studio album, was released in the UK in July 2010,[7] and earned the band their third number-one on the UK Singles Chart.[8]

view full information on Wikipedia this is extract

Kelly Rowland Feat Lil Wayne – Motivation Lyrics

[Kelly Rowland]
Oh lover, don’t you dare slow down
Go longer, you can last more rounds
Push harder, your almost there now
So go lover, make my mother proud
And when were done, I don’t wanna feel my legs
And when were done, I just wanna feel your head so lower me baby
You can’t stop there, music still playin in the background
And youre almost there
You can do it, I believe in you baby
So close from here
So baby I’mma be your motivation
Go, go, go, go
Motivation
Go, go, go, go
Oh Lover, when you call my name
No other, can do that the same
? Get up out there game, no
So lover, dont it make me rain
And when were done, I don’t wanna feel my legs
And when were done, I just wanna feel your head so lower me baby
You can’t stop there, music still playin in the background
And you’re almost there
You can do it, I believe in you baby
So close from here

[Lil Wayne]
Uh, girl I turn that thing into a rainforest
Rain on my head, call that brainstorming
Yeah this is deep, but oh, I go deeper
Make you lose yourself, and finders keepers
It go green light, go Weezy go
I like to taste that sugar, that sweet and low
But hold up wait, new position
I put her on my plate then do the dishes
She my motivation, I’m her transportation
Cause I let her ride, while I drive her crazy
Then I just keep going going, like I’m racing
When I’m done she hold me like a conversation
Weezy, baby

[Kelly Rowland]
And when were done, I don’t wanna feel my legs
And when were done, I just wanna feel your head so lower me baby
You can’t stop there, music still playin in the background
And you’re almost there
You can do it, I believe in you baby
So close from here

Zyb: export / copy mobile phone contacts to Gmail / other phone - howto & review

This post is part review, part howto guide, on:
  • how to copy or import your mobile phone contact numbers into Google’s Gmail contacts, if you have a Gmail / Google Mail account, and
  • whether you have Gmail or not, how to easily backup or transfer your contacts between different phones, e.g. if you’re moving networks (as your old SIM card will die when your current phone number is transferred across, wiping out any contacts stored on the SIM).
I recently got a G1 Android phone, and finally decided to export contacts from old mobile phone phonebook to Gmail contacts so that I could access them on the G1, which syncs with Gmail contacts.
But the method outlined below works even if you don’t have a G1 and just want to have your cellphone contacts available on Gmail – as long as you have access to a mobile phone which Zyb supports.
What's Zyb? Zyb (acquired by mobile network operator Vodafone in 2008) is a free online contact & calendaring backup system, which works by synchronising with your mobile phone – as long as they support your make and model of phone. Sadly, they don’t support the G1 yet, so I found a workaround.
Zyb also includes calendar syncing, even SMS in the case of certain models of phone, but I cover only contacts here.

How to use Zyb (contacts only)

  1. Sign up for a free Zyb account. They will of course have to be given your mobile phone number.
  2. Sync your old mobile (as long as it’s supported by Zyb) with Zyb online – they’ll send you an SMS text message when you add your phone; open the text and save the settings, then find the Sync application on your phone and choose the Zyb profile to sync it (I won’t go into these aspects further, Zyb’s support is pretty good, ask them for help if you need it).
  3. If your new mobile phone is supported by Zyb it’s easy to get your old contacts into it - Zyb can synchronise with more than one phone, so just add the new phone to Zyb (even if it’s on a different number) and you can sync it with Zyb so that the contacts from your old phone which you previously synced with Zyb can be transferred to your new phone. You can of course also edit the contacts online etc more easily than on a phone.
  4. While you’re in Zyb, this is not a syncing point but you might want to tick https on Zyb’s Settings page for better security, and Save:

  5. If your new phone is not supported by Zyb, like my G1, or you want to copy your phone contact details across into your Gmail Contacts, then it’s a little bit more complicated – see below.

How to import or copy Zyb contacts into Gmail contacts

This involves a few steps. Be careful to do them all, exactly in the order I say below, or else you may end up with weird contact details in Gmail, or duplicates or empty contacts – don’t say I didn’t warn you!
  1. Login to Zyb and check your contacts. Some editing is needed here – other methods may work which don’t require this (if you know one please let me know!), but this is what I found I had to do to get it all to work properly. (You could also take the opportunity to use Zyb to Merge Duplicates (link on the right of the Zyb People screen), if you haven't already.)
  2. For a contact, if any phone number happens to be recorded in a “Voice” field or box, then it won’t transfer across at all, unfortunately:

  3. You will have to Edit the contact and copy and paste the number from the Voice field into a Mobile field, and Save it (yes, even if it’s really a land line telephone number – sorry but that’s the way it is):

  4. Do that for all your contacts on Zyb. Luckily I only had a few like that; those didn’t transfer across properly the first time but left blanks for the phone numbers, which is how I knew what to do instead.
  5. Now, while still logged in to Zyb, go to their feeds page:

  6. In the Contacts line, click on the VCard link, outlined in red above.
  7. This will prompt you to download a vcard.vcf file (in VCard format, obviously). Save it to your computer.
  8. Now go to this excellent free online vcard to CSV converter site (there are other vcard to CSV converters but they don’t work so well):
  9. Browse to select the vcard file you downloaded from Zyb. Under Format, make sure you pick “Gmail (CSV)” before you hit the “convert” button.

  10. It will offer to save the converted file. Save it – vcard.csv – on your computer somewhere you can find.
  11. Now login to Gmail, and click the Contacts link in the list on the left:

  12. Then click the Import link on the right (outlined in red above), and choose the vcard.csv file you saved earlier (see below), then OK.

  13. Now your phone contacts will be added to your Gmail contacts (and, if you have a G1, accessible via your G1 contacts once you sync them up).
This is of course a copy rather than sync of contacts information into Gmail.

Some thoughts on Zyb

Zyb also offers 1-way import of Gmail contacts into Zyb. If you want to do it the other way round it’s a bit more long winded, as I outlined above, because there’s no full export of contacts from Zyb into CSV format – just VCF (and also JSON and FOAF). Those familiar with other formats can of course play round with the feeds made available by Zyb on their feeds page.
My main wishlist issue with Zyb is that I’d like to be able to turn off the sync or set its direction – what if I want to have some numbers on the phone but not on Zyb, or vice versa? If I delete a contact from Zyb, it tries to delete it from my phone too. I want to be able to set the direction of sync. Indeed, I’d like to be able to keep a master contact list on Zyb and decide exactly which items are copied onto which phone. This seems to be a deliberate design feature, but personally I’d prefer it if it were otherwise. I guess I'd like to have a selective copying than syncing option.
I also feel a bit uncomfortable that if I delete some contacts from Zyb, they seem to stay there forever anyway, according to that link (which is a little out of date – actually, you click on the Phonebook dropdown on the People page in order to find your deleted contacts). I’d like to be able to permanently delete certain contacts, call it catharsis, rather than restore them! I know that if I entrust my contact details to them in the first place that shouldn’t bother me, but it does…
On the whole though Zyb provide a very useful service, as long as your phone is supported, and I'd been meaning to review them for a while.
Hope this post is of help to you if you're trying to transfer your mobile phone contacts from phone to phone.

How to Back Up Cell-Phone Contacts Online

More and more, cell phones have become our lifelines to the outside world. A 2009 survey for the U.S. wireless industry revealed that 91 percent of the American population uses cell phones. Losing your phone can be a disastrous event, especially since all your contacts will disappear with your mobile. Backing up your contacts on the Internet is the best way to make sure that losing your phone does not alter your ability to communicate with friends, family and business contacts.

Instructions

    • 1
      Open your web browser and go to www.Vodafone360.com. This site allows you to store your contacts online and automatically sync them with your phone, although not all phones are supported. Click on the orange "Sign up" button and fill in the information on the next page. Hit "Submit" to start backing up your cell phone contacts online. The service is free.
    • 2
      Go to www.Mobical.net. Again, not all phones are supported, but the site recommends that you choose a similar model if your phone is not listed. Select the "Create free account!" button on the right-hand side. Fill out the form and click "Register account." You will receive a text message with your password to the number you provided. Enter this in the "Password" field and submit the form. You can now start storing your contacts online.
    • 3
      You can also visit www.Mobyko.com. Select "Join now" on the right-hand side of the screen. Select your phone model on the next page. Fill in your information and choose "Register and sync." Mobyko is not free, but the site is well-organized, user-friendly, and offers features that the others don't, such as syncing of calendar events and contacts.

Read more: How to Back Up Cell-Phone Contacts Online | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_7289069_back-up-cell_phone-contacts-online.html#ixzz1S6qt1PnJ

Android Market update to allow movie, book purchases by phone

Google plans on rolling out an update to its Android Market that will allow users to rent movies or buy books from their smartphones.
The update will be available to devices running the Android 2.2 operating system or higher, says a post on the official Google Mobile Blog.
Both movie rentals and book purchases are connected to the user's Google account, allowing them to download items across several devices such as phones, tablets or a PC.
The move is part of a broader redesign of the Market on mobile devices, including collections such as Top Charts and Editor's Picks.
Google says the update will appear in the coming weeks. Currently, users can add movie rentals or book purchases to their phones through the Android Market website.

Nairobi safaricom Shops


SAFARICOM SHOP NAME 
Location
Contact details
Opening Hours
BURUBURU 
Kenya National Library Services Building, Mumias Road next to St. James ACK Church
Weekdays: 8:30a.m-7:00p.m
Saturday: 8:30a.m-4:00p.m
Sundays & Public Holidays: Closed
BOMAS
Galleria Mall, Langata/Magadi Road Junction opposite Bomas of Kenya
Email:
Weekdays:8:30am-8:00 pm
Saturday:9:00am-6:00pm
Sunday and Public holidays :10:00am-5:00pm
JKIA  
Jomo  Kenyatta International Airport (Lounges), Gate 6 and Gate 11
7 Days a week (Including Public Holidays): 6:00a.m. - 12:00 Midnight
KIMATHI  
Balfour Building, Ground Floor, Kimathi Street, Nairobi
Weekdays:7:30a.m - 5:30p.m
Saturdays: 9:00a.m-4:00p.m
Sundays & Public Holidays : Closed
MOI AVENUE   
Shankardass House,
Ground floor, Moi Avenue, Nairobi
Weekdays:  7:30a.m – 5:30p.m
Saturdays: 09:00a.m – 4:00p.m
Sundays: 10:00a.m – 2:00p.m
THIKA  
Haria House,
Kwame Nkurumah Road, 
Thika
Weekdays –  8:00a.m. to 6:00p.m
Saturdays - 9:00a.m – 4:00p.m.
Sundays  & Public Holidays closed
I & M  
I & M Towers, Ground floor,
Kenyatta Avenue, Nairobi
Weekdays – 7:30a.m. to 6:00p.m
Saturdays  - 9:00a.m. – 5:00p.m
Sundays  & Public Holidays -   10:00a.m – 4:00p.m
VILLAGE MARKET  
Village Market Mall,
Limuru Road, Nairobi
Weekdays: 9:00a.m- 6:00p.m
Saturdays: 9:00a.m -5:00p.m
Sundays & Public Holidays: 10:00a.m -5:00p.m 
WESTGATE   
Westgate Mall , 1st floor
Mwanzi road, off Peponi road , Nairobi
Weekdays- 8:30a.m - 8:00p.m
Saturdays: 9:00a.m - 5:00p.m
Sundays & Public holidays: 10:00-a.m 4:00p.m 
SARIT CENTRE 
Sarit Centre,Karuna Road, Lower ground Floor,
Nairobi
Weekdays:8;00a.m-8:00p.m
Saturdays: 9:00a.m-5:00p.m
Sundays and Public holidays :10:00a.m-4:00p.m
NAKUMATT MEGA  (NAIROBI )
Nakumatt Mega, Uhuru Highway,
Nairobi
Weekdays:8:30a.m-8:00p.m
Saturdays:9:00a.m-5:00p.m
Sundays and Public holidays: 10:00a.m-4:00p.m
KITUI
Muli Mall,
Town Center
Kitui
Weekdays: 8:00 am– 5:00 p.m.
Saturday: 9:00 a.m. –1:00 p.m.
Sundays & Public Holidays: Closed

Safaricom Shops


Background
The retail and customer care stores were set up with you the customer in mind.  Their main purpose is to:
  • Provide customers with quality products backed by reliable warranty
  • Provide face to face customer care to our customers
  • Set Retail Service and Product standards, and
  • Give opportunity for feed back from you the customer.

Why buy from the retail centres?
At our retail centres you will be met by our well trained and friendly staff who will ensure that you buying and service experience is a pleasant one.  Here you can expect
  • Safaricom only sells only original handsets, laptops and accessories directly from the manufacturer
  • Individualised attention and care.
  • An answer to your queries regarding SAFARICOM products and services,
  • Warranty back up for all products,
  • A superior service backup.
  • The best value for money

Bonga Points Loyalty Program

Bonga Points is a loyalty scheme available to all Safaricom PrePay and PostPay subscribers. Once registered to the Bonga Loyalty Program, earning points starts immediately.
One Bonga Point is earned for every Ksh10 spent on voice calls, SMS and data. The more a customer uses their Safaricom line, the more points they get and the BIGGER the rewards!
The Bonga Points may be redeemed for rewards ranging from Talk-time(Minutes), Data, SMS and MMS bundles to Merchandise redeemable at any Safaricom Retail Center countrywide.

How to activate Bonga Points

To enrol, check or to redeem your Bonga Points, simply dial *126# and follow the voice prompts.
An SMS notification will inform you that you are now enrolled on Bonga Points and you automatically get 10 FREE POINTS.
If you register your personal information when enrolling to Bonga, we will automatically reward you with 30 FREE POINTS. You can register your personal information at any Safaricom Retail Center or through Safaricom's Customer Care service. 

How to check for your Bonga Points

You can check the total number of points you have accumulated at any time. Simply SMS the word POINTS to 124 or dial *124#.
PrePay subscribers will be able to accurately check all the points earned after 1 hour of using airtime. PostPay subscribers will get their points based on the time the call records are updated on the system.

How to move to another network while retaining your number (Number Portability)

Number portability is here!
Airtel® Kenya today announced that starting 1st April 2011 you will be able to "hama" and still retain your existing number (including the 0722, 0751, 0770 or any other prefix…etc)
For more details on how to move, call 0733 100 111
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
+ You will be required to inform your current and new operator of your intention to switch.
+ You will be required to surrender your SIM card to your provider and acquire another one from your current provider.
+ You lose all services of the previous provider.
+ Calling a ported number you’ll hear an audible warning tone (3 beeps) before the ringtone & off-net charges apply upon being received.
+ The service will be activated within a maximum of 2 working days after paying KES173 porting fee to the provider facilitating the transfer.
•••••

All about skiza from Safaricom

fold faq
How do I select my SKIZA tunes?
You can select your SKIZA tunes through three methods:
a) You can SMS the SkizaCode of your selected song in the following format to 811, SKIZA (space) SkizaCode e.g. SKIZA 7010011. To select another tune, simply SMS your other selected tune 811 again e.g. SKIZA 7010012
b) You can dial 811 and follow the interactive voice prompts to set your SKIZA tune
c) You can visit the SKIZA website at www.skiza.safaricom.com and select your songs
fold faq
How To Assign A SKIZA Tune To Different Callers
You can set up to 10 SKIZA Tunes and assign them to 10 different callers. If you have purchased more than one tune and have NOT assigned them to specific callers they will be played randomly. To set a SKIZA tune for a specific caller simply SMS the SKIZA Code of your selected song and the phone number in the following format to 811:  SET 7010011  722XXXXXX.
fold faq
How much does it cost?
KSh5 will be charged for downloading the SKIZA tune.
For PrePay subscribers this is automatically deducted from your airtime while for PostPay subscribers this will be billed with your normal usage.
When you dial 811 to access the interactive voice response (I.V.R) system you will be charged KSh3 per minute however, per second billing applies.
In addition all SMS to 811 will cost KSh1 per SMS. At the expiry of 7 days your SKIZA tune will automatically be renewed for KSh5 unless you choose to delete it as per step 6 below. Safaricom will send a notification of renewal 2 days before expiry of the tune.
Please note that the party calling the subscriber with the SKIZA tune will not be charged to listen to the tune.
fold faq
What songs are available on SKIZA tunes?
We have a wide selection of music covering nearly all genres including Kenyan, African, International, Gospel, Bollywood, etc.
In addition you can get jokes, movie lines, famous quotes and more! You can also get top 10 songs and the latest songs at any time when you dial 811 and follow the prompts.
fold faq
How to delete your SKIZA tunes
You can delete your SKIZA tune at anytime by sending an SMS in the following format to 811 i.e. “Delete SkizaCode” e.g. DELETE 7010011.
fold faq
How to copy a SKIZA Tune from your friend?
When you like the tune you hear when you call a friend, copy the tune by dialling 1 twice while the tune is playing.
fold faq
Can I present/gift a SKIZA tune to my friends and family?
You can gift your family and friends a SKIZA tune. You will be charged KSh5 for each tune you gift but the recipient will pay KSh5 for subsequent renewals.
To gift a tune, send an SMS in the following format to 811 “Gift SkizaCode phone number” e.g. GIFT 7010011 722XXXXXX (Remember to omit the zero in the phone number)
fold faq
What handsets are compatible with SKIZA tunes?
All handset types and models are compatible with this service
fold faq
How can I check the songs I am subscribed to?
To check all SKIZA tunes currently stored in your library simply send GET to 811 to confirm key word) or dial 811 and follow the voice prompts.
fold faq
Will this be available to roaming subscribers?
SKIZA tunes will NOT be available to roaming subscribers, both for prepaid and postpaid.

Sambaza bonga points

How to give and receive Bonga points


You now can give and receive Bonga Points and redeem fantastic Rewards


To Share Points, you can use USSD method or SMS;
USSD
Dial *126# and select the sub menu “4: to Transfer Bonga Points”. Alternatively dial *126*4#
Enter the recipient mobile number
Enter amount to transfer
Click OK to confirm
SMS
To transfer point’s subscriber creates a new SMS message as follows:
<Points to transfer>#<recipient MSISDN> e.g. 200#0722XXXXXX and sends the SMS to 226.
The Promotion is open to all individual PrePay and PostPay customers enrolled on Bonga

yuCash ups game, introduces cardless ATM withdrawal

Innovation keeps businesses relevant and ensures growth. Recently the Mobile services providers have been having struggles as to whose side the market share will tilt. Laws have been redefined with number switch being introduced by CCK to ensure mobile subscribers have the freedom to choose the service they prefer best without feeling tied up due to the mobile number they use.
Mobile service providers have innovation and good service to look up to to ensure they maintain or grow the existing user base.
One of the four Mobile services providers, yu, the mobile phone brand of Essar Telecom Kenya Limited in partnership with Equity Bank have launched a card-less ATM withdrawal service that is aimed at providing convenience and flexibility for yuCash users to access their funds at any Equity Bank ATM country-wide.
yuCash customers can now enjoy faster and easy accessibility of their funds without necessarily going to yuCash outlets to make withdrawals. yuCash users are required to initiate the withdrawal transaction from their phones upon which they get an authorization code that they can use at any of over 550 Equity Bank ATMs without the need for an ATM card or ownership of an Equity Bank account.

Madhur Taneja
Yu's Country Manager , Madhur Taneja
yuCash money transfer service is significantly differentiated from the other money transfer services offered in the market as it is accessible to any mobile subscriber on any network. A yuCash user enjoys a free history check of up to 30 transactions.
yuCash recently partnered with Uchumi Supermarkets which allows the chain store to carry out yuCash registrations and cash in cash out transactions in all their outlets. yu is committed to executing intensive partnership strategies as part its efforts to enhance customer satisfaction and increase focus on providing convenience and choice to its subscribers.

Formerly  By Martin Gicheru

Tariff Comparison for yucash

TARIFF KES. 5,000/= TXN yu cash


Deposit Money 0 0 0 15
Send Money (Registered User) 25 30 30 10
Send Money (Unregistered User) 25 100 30 10
Withdraw Cash (Registered User) 40 (yu subs) 45 45 40
Withdraw Cash (Unregistered User) NA 0 60 40
Other Services:



Check Balance 0 1/= 5/= 1
Change PIN 0 20/= NA 1
Update Menu 0 0 0 1
Request Money 0 NA NA NA
Invite Friend 0 NA 0 NA
Show History 0 NA 5/= NA
Help 0 NA NA NA
Change Language 0 0 0 NA











































































Study: Google+ population explodes to 10 million

Google+ appears to be in the midst of a population explosion.
A statistical analysis by Paul Allen, founder of Ancestry.com and chief executive of Facebook app maker FamilyLink.com, concludes that the Google+ population reached 7.3 million on Sunday, July 10, and likely will reach 10 million today.
And if Google keeps the Google+ invitation button active, as it has since Sunday, Allen expects Google+ to reach 20 million users by this weekend, he said in a Google+ post late Monday night.
"The user base is growing so quickly that it is challenging for me to keep up," Allen said.
A population of 10 million or 20 million is huge in absolute terms, especially given that the service is two weeks old today. But it pales to Facebook's 750 million, half of whom log in daily. Allen's statistics, though estimates, do provide evidence that there's demand for another sizable social network--and that Google isn't necessarily forever doomed to fail in trying to launch it.
Facebook and Google have been fierce competitors. Facebook more than any other company showed that new competitors could outdo Google in important online markets. Now, though, Google has shown that Facebook, too, can't take its incumbent power for granted.
The public trial of Google+ began with a limited set from the tech in-crowd.
The public trial of Google+ began with a limited set from the tech in-crowd.
(Credit: Lutz Beyer/Cybay New Media)
Google+ began with a small group of the tech in-crowd, but has been steadily expanding. The invitation button that let people add their friends had been a rarity, but the current explosion is doubtless fueled by the relatively easy availability of new invitations. In addition, it Google appears not to be throttling the sign-up rate, or is at least throttling it less, for those who receive invitations.

All about iCloud!

The new service is Apple’s answer to cloud computing and an extension, and replacement, of its online offerings. After the failure of MobileMe, which was introduced back in 2009, Apple is attempting succeed with its new replacement: iCloud".


What About MobileMe? Your MobileME account will no longer be available starting from June 30, 2012:


Effective June 6, 2011, if you had an active MobileMe account, your service has been automatically extended through June 30, 2012, at no additional charge. After this, the MobileME service willl no longer be available.



What will happen to the content I have on MobileMe?
Apple has announced a new service called iCloud which will be available this fall and free for iOS 5 and OS X Lion users. When you sign up for iCloud, you’ll be able to keep your me.com or mac.com email address and move your MobileMe mail, contacts, calendars, and bookmarks to the new service.


So yes, iCloud is the replacement to MobileMe, actually it is much more than what MobileMe ever was. Here’s what you need to know.



Features
iCloud includes features that were previously available in MobileMe, as well as others we’re just finding out about now. They include:


Online Apps: many of iCloud’s features have roots in MobileMe, such as online Contacts and Mail Apps, which have been written from scratch, since according to Jobs, they the company has "learned a lot" since it built MobileMe.


Heavily Enhanced Syncing: back in the MobileMe days, syncing was merely limited to e-mail and contacts. With iCloud, important files, such as documents and pictures, can be synced across different devices. In addition, iWork users will be able to edit documents over this service and see the changes in real time, even between a Mac and an iPad, for example. That’s unheard of on other Office suites. The same happens with photos, which can be streamed to any device on the fly. Similarly to what happened before, information that’s added or modified on one device will be immediately pushed down to the remaining devices.


Backup: iCloud will allow data such as settings, books, pictures, video and even Apps to be backed up and show up across all your devices. That will eliminate the need for huge set ups during system reinstalls, for example.


iTunes in the Cloud (Your Music Locker): this service allows any newly purchased content, such as songs, Apps or iBooks, to be automatically synced over the air to up to 10 devices. For already purchased content, users will have the option to download each song, App or book individually.

Availability
iCloud and all its features will be available this fall, although there’s no release date set as of yet. Developers can try out iCloud starting from today.


Probably the most surprising fact about this service is it’s price, or lack of it:  iCloud is completely free. There’s a 5GB limit, although purchased items and Photo Stream won’t add to it.


Whether this service will succeed will solely depend on how much traction it manages to get. Apple’s tract record on online services is pretty bleak, but the lack of price tag could help build up the excitement. Only time will tell.

Apple 'iPad HD' rumored for fall release

The Apple rumor mill ramped up to full speed this week with reports that Apple has a new iPad model set for release this fall. According to Joshua Topolsky at This Is My Next, Apple’s newest tablet will be called the “iPad HD,” with the device expected to boast a screen with double the resolution (2048×1536) of the iPad 2 — a rumor we’ve heard before, but it hasn’t been particularly believable until now.
Sources say that the device will be for the high-end “pro” market (meaning its price points will well exceed that of the iPad2), possibly for professional producers of video and photo content — though that doesn’t mean anybody with a big enough bank roll can’t enjoy the shiny new tablet. Apple is said to have an iPad-friendly version of either Final Cut Pro or Aperture to go along with the iPad HD. And the device “is specifically said to not be the iPad 3, rather a complimentary piece of the iPad 2 line,” writes Topolsky, similar to the MacBook-MacBook Pro relationship.
News of a new, high-end iPad is corroborated by FBR Capital analyst Craig Berger, who says that Apple likely has an “iPad 2 Plus” in store for the holiday season. That device, says Berger, will have a pixel density of 250-300 ppi, which adds more weight to the double-resolution screen. Berger stipulates, however, that “we await more confirming data points from other supply chain contacts before fully believing a new iPad device is coming in 2011.”
Topolsky’s report follows a big story from the Wall Street Journal that asserts Apple indeed has a thinner and lighter iPhone 5 in the works. While many have speculated that the next iPhone would look essentially the same as the iPhone 4, Topolsky says that we will in fact see an entirely redesigned next-gen iPhone. The reason for the iPhone 4 look-a-like rumors is because Apple has been testing the iPhone 5 components in old iPhone 4 cases.
The reason Apple is ditching the iPhone 4 design so quickly is because high-level Apple executives are tired of it, and “are ready to move on to an entirely new product,” writes Topolsky.
Whether or not all of this will play out in September remains to be seen. But Apple’s plans appear to be coming into sharper focus, even if a few of the details remain blurry.

Microsoft: It's time to put Windows XP to bed

Microsoft is urging Windows XP users to jump ship as the ancient operating system nears the end of its days - in terms of extended support at least.

Speaking via the Windows Team blog, Microsoft's Stephen Rose said it was time that XP became a relic of the past, and stated that users should take the Windows 7 plunge. After all the company has sold over 400 million Windows 7 licences globally.

"Wouldn't it be great if the glory days lasted forever?" he asked ."But reality is trophies get dusty, records are broken, and what it took to be the best ten years ago, just isn't enough for today's standards. Things get better, faster. And eventually, it's time to move from good enough to something much better.

"Windows XP had an amazing run and millions of PC users are grateful for it. But it's time to move on. Two reasons: 1) Extended support for Windows XP is running out in less than 1000 days, and 2) there's an OS out there that's much better than Windows XP.

Windows XP was released almost 10 years ago. Yet still (as of May 2011, at least) it is still the most widely used operating system in the world with a 40 per cent share - mainly due to the large business community that still employs the platform. Windows 7 comes in 2nd with just under 30 per cent, Vista in 3rd with around 13 per cent and Mac OS X 4th with around 7 per cent.

Rose urged those businesses in particular to upgrade soon though. "Act quickly because time is limited, and organisations that have not started deployment or in the early phases of the project need to accelerate," he said.

"According to a recent Garter report more than 50 per cent of organisations that do not start deploying Windows 7 by early 2012 will not complete their deployments before Windows XP support ends, and will incur increased support costs."

Buy an iPhone 5 in 2011, or a 'Revamped' iPhone 6 in 2012?

After carpet bombing the Internet on Wednesday with reports of an iPhone 5 launching this September, the Wall Street Journal has updated its story with news that Apple will completely revamp the iPhone for its next-next-generation iPhone ("iPhone 6"?!) due in 2012.
Citing unnamed people briefed on Apple's plans, the WSJ says the revamp will include features like a "new way of charging the phone."
This nugget builds upon upon what Joshua Topolsky of This Is My Next reported back in April about Apple's fifth-generation iPhone: "some form of inductive or touch charging."
Inductive charging is a wireless charging method whereby a device has all the charging electronics built into the device, with no point of electrical contact. You simply put the phone on a charging dock, like those used in electric toothbrushes and 2009's Palm Pre.
The WSJ's source also re-iterated earlier rumors that Apple was developing a cheaper iPhone for developing countries.
On Wednesday, the WSJ reported that Apple was expecting to sell 25 million fifth-generation iPhones by the end of 2011. Dubbed by its unnamed sources as the "iPhone 5," the device sounds like a minor upgrade from the iPhone 4, with a thinner, lighter chassis and an eight-megapixel camera. Furthermore it would use wireless baseband chips from Qualcomm, rather than chips from Infineon Technologies as discovered in iPhone 4 teardowns.
Most reports point to Apple announcing the next iPhone in the late summer, with a September launch.
For a run-down of the most prevalent rumors surrounding the iPhone 5, check out "8 Likely iPhone 5 Rumors, and 2 Wild Ones" .

Power Connector

Fully disassembledReplacing or re-soldering the DC power jack is not an easy job too. It usually takes two to three hours depending on the damage and the model of the laptop. To reach the power jack, the laptop has to be completely disassembled and the motherboard taken out. Then if the board around the dislodged pin is badly burned, the power jack has to be un-soldered and the board has to be patched. After that a different power jack has to be installed, attached to the case of the laptop and connected with wires to the motherboard, as the patched board wouldn’t be strong enough to support the original type of power jack that was soldered directly to the board.
On most laptops the DC power jack is soldered directly to the motherboard and there are only three or four small pins holding it in place. Unfortunately that makes the power jack quite weak. Any sideways pulling of the DC power cord while attached to the laptop will usually dislodge at least one of these pins, breaking the solder around it. Modern laptops use quite a lot of power, from about 70W to 120W or even more. The bad electrical connection from the dislodged pin will cause sparks and heating that will eventually burn a hole through the motherboard and can even be a fire hazard. The usual signs of that are:
Dislodged pinA common weak spot on most laptops is the DC power jack. If someone trips on the wire while you have the power adaptor plugged into your laptop, chances are that the power jack will get damaged.
  • The battery is not charging properly or stays at half charge despite that you have been using the power adaptor.
  • The screen flickers (the brightness is changing) while the power cord is plugged in. This is caused by the laptop switching between DC power (screen is brighter) and battery power (screen is dimmer).
  • The DC plug gets hot after a few minutes of use and may even smell of burning.
  • There are “scratching” sounds coming from the DC jack.
All of these symptoms are caused by poor contact between the DC power jack and the motherboard.
There are several models of laptops that are resistant to this problem. All older Dell laptops that use the three pin DC power jack are usually not affected, probably because the power cord pops out easier. Also some older Sony Vaio models, and 1-2 Toshiba models where the DC jack is attached to the case away from the motherboard and all new Apple laptops, where the DC power cord is magnetically attached to prevent any damage to the laptop if someone trips on it.
To test for broken power jack:
  1. Remove the battery
  2. Plug in the power cord
  3. Start the laptop
  4. Gently wiggle the DC power plug on the back of the laptop
If your laptop shuts down abruptly (looses power), find a repair shop that can resolder or change the DC power jack as soon as possible, as the motherboard has already started to burn around the dislodged pins. Some repair shops will offer to replace the whole motherboard, however the price of a new motherboard together with the labour charge for installing it will usually be greater than the current value of your laptop and can go well over a thousand dollars.

Heat and Dust

The most important part of your laptop that needs to be clean is… the heatsink. Yes, heat is the “cause of death” for most laptops. The heat not only causes all components to expand and contract a little (as you turn it on and off), but will also reach dangerously high levels and make your laptop crash or shut down if the fan(s) and the heatsink(s) are clogged with dust.Dust…
All computers work a little bit like vacuum cleaners – sucking air form one side and blowing it out from the other. Unfortunately they don’t come with filter bags to catch all the dust and debris. After just a few months the fans and heatsinks are well coated with dust. If not cleaned, their effectiveness quickly drops and eventually goes down to zero when the heatsinks get fully clogged.
For desktop PCs this process is somehow slower and less noticeable as there is a lot of air circulating inside the case, hopefully with both intake and exhaust fans pushing it through. Also the CPU heatsink and fan are quite bigger and more powerful. There are also fans on the power supply, on the video card and probably on the chipset, for a total count of up to six fans making sure your PC stays cool. However laptops usually have just one or two smaller fans that have to do it all.
I would suggest a little experiment. Look around you for a lamp with an ordinary 100W light bulb. Now turn it on for five minutes and hold your hand about an inch away from it (be careful not to touch the bulb, it will scorch you!). Do you feel it? Yes, that is the heat generated inside that shiny new powerful laptop you just bought.
The cure? It’s easy: get yourself a can of compressed air and blow away the dust off the fan and heatsink. This has to be done every couple of months or after about 50 – 60 days of using your laptop. The compressed air is quite handy for the keyboard too, blowing away all the debris from between the keys. This is not a very well known fact, but it is the most important part of maintaining your laptop.
heat1.jpgHowever if the heatsink has already been clogged, this won’t help. The compressed air will not be enough to unclog it. If you have never cleaned the heatsink and you had used your laptop for over a year, chances are that both the fan and the heatsink are clogged with dust and debris. The solution in this case is to remove the heatsink, clean it and install it back. This is best done in a laptop repair shop, as it takes quite a lot of experience and dexterity. One slip of the screwdriver may kill the laptop!
Some newer laptops have a special removable cover on the back for easy access to the heatsink. But most laptops have to be disassembled to reach it. Another problem is that the thermal paste between the heatsink and the CPU hardens with higher temperature, so if the laptop has been overheating, chances are that the heatsink is stuck solid to the CPU, making it very hard to remove. The process also includes removal of the old thermal paste from both the CPU and the heatsink and applying a small dab of fresh thermal paste, preferably silver filled for better heat transfer.
Another good overheating prevention is to ensure that the rubber feet on the bottom of the laptop are intact. Unfortunately they are usually just glued to the plastic and tend to fall off quite easy. They are very easy to replace and are available as spare parts for most laptops.
And lastly – don’t use your laptop while it’s on a soft surface, like bed cover or sofa. That will block the fan and the laptop will overheat. Try using something with a hard surface under the laptop, like a large hardcover book or a tray.
Simply put, heat is the biggest enemy of all laptops. By maintaining the cooling of your laptop at peak efficiency, you are doubling its lifespan

something about cloud computing

Definition: Cloud computing utilizes servers available on demand over the Internet. It is especially favored by cost-constrained smaller companies, particularly those that are growing rapidly and/or those that have wide swings in their demand for computing capacity. As a result, cloud computing can be a cost-cutting idea considered by controllers and CFOs.
Potential pitfalls of cloud computing include the reliability of network links, data security and the tendency of costs to rise exponentially as overall system reliability is pushed beyond 99%. There are thus potential risk management issues.
The impact of cloud computing on data security also will be of concern to compliance officers, who may be constrained by regulation on the protection of client data, and the movement of such data across national borders.

For a quick primer, see "Is Cloud Computing For You?" by Philip McKinney of Hewlett-Packard in Forbes, 12/6/2010.

a crazy post in facebook..crazy world recorded

Ways to annoy people:
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Never make eye contact.
...Never break eye contact..
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
A doctor at MATHARE MENTAL HOSPITAL was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. ,,,SEE MORE
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff,you lick it. To get it in, you push it!
STUDENTSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
Do you also have this problem when you are tryin to put thred in a needle?Mathare University of Insane Creativity
Your present state is the reflection of the software ur operating on,some of us are operating on bhang 2011/mututho Xp/upoko OS-X,others on outdated software 83' n Y2K.U nid to clean ur hard disk of any virus,bug,worm whch s making it to crush!
Johnny was asked to write an concise essay containing the following elements:
1. Religion
2. Royalty
3. Sex
4. Mystery
...
His essay read:

'My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did
it!"
We pronounce:
44 as forty four,
33 as thirty three,
22 as twenty two,
..why then don't. we pronounce 11 as onety one?.
TEACHER Vs JOHNNY..................................Johnny

JOHNNY: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
TEACHER: no, of course not.
JOHNNY: good, because i didn't do my homework.
One day machizi wa mathare walikuwa wanasafirishwa frm nai 2coast.bt ilibidi watumie flight.wakiwa juu wakamak noise sana so dok mmoja akashomoka kuwawarn bt akapata chizi mmoja ametulia akamwita akamshow.'ambia wenzako wasare kelele kama wewe'.akarudi ndani,after 5min kulikuwa kimya akamwita akamwambia umewashow nini wako quite hivyo??akamjibu rahisi nimewambia wakacheze nje wote!
A Trucker
driving a big truck, notices a man
and a woman making love in the
middle of the road ahead. He
blows the horn several ...times. He
...finally applies the brakes
desperately and the truck just
stops inches from the mating
couple. Trucker: You bastard!
Didn't you hear my horn? Man: I
did But I was coming! She was
coming! You were coming! And
You were the only one with
brakes!
 ahahahhahahaah...lol
Haiya....
Jst imagine, a wife lost three panties in her house and blamed her maid in front of the husband..
maid replied...."babake sammie siunajua vizuri mimi sivaangi suruali"???
 
A Morning Prayer

Good morning God,

I come to you again today in the name of Jesus.
...I choose to worship you in spirit and in truth …
I choose to glorify you God in everything I am and do today …
I choose to love you with all my heart, soul, mind and strength …
I choose to love your Word … so help me God.
I choose to be available for you today to use as you will … so help me God. AMEN
SPOTTED IN
MATHARE
Usikojoe hapa ukipatikana,
utakojolewa Pia wewe,
Na ukikunia utalazimishwa
...kubeba take away upelekee bibi
yako.
 

McAfee hires elite hackers to break into devices

McAfee, a maker of software to protect companies from cyber attacks, has recruited an elite squad of hackers charged with figuring out ways to break into high-tech gear including heart pacemakers.
The team of five includes Barnaby Jack, a hacker who last year showed off techniques for getting ATMs to spit out cash at the annual Black Hat and Defcon hacking conferences in Las Vegas. The feat earned him applause from crowds of hackers.
McAfee's new team is led by McAfee Senior Vice President Stuart McClure, who co-authored the book "Hacking Exposed: Network Security Secrets & Solutions" and works on breaking into electronic devices in his spare time.
They are so-called "white hat" hackers who identify vulnerabilities in equipment such as medical devices, which have computer chips embedded in them that communicate with computers using wireless technology.
McClure declined to identify other members of the hacking squad.
"Let's unearth some of these problems before the bad guys do," McClure said in an interview.

New Rules For Employment (crazy post)

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

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